The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok... they know me here.
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said............... "Implants?'"
Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
"I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner."
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes..I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!!
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
"Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive."
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?
"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
"How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?"
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."