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Wise Sayings

These are very funny!

Wise Sayings!

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok... they know me here.

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said............... "Implants?'"

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

"I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner."

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes..I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

"Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive."

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

"How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:  "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."